Quotes

“I love restaurants, and that’s the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants – home made cooking – I don’t want home made cooking, that’s why I’m here, ‘cos I don’t like the **** at home! Yeah… you know! And they don’t say who’s home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn’t it!”

“You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you’re *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! “Oh let’s just go home.” “WE’RE ****ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW ****IN’ BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?”

“Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It’s true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with ****ing adreniline!”

“Bird flu! What’s that? How do you know a bird’s got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!”

[about product helplines] Durex have got one! What point do we ****ing call them?
[Imitates having sex while on the phone] HELLOOOOOOO!… Wait a minute… Too late.

“parcel Force, Parcelllll Forceee, We Will Get This Package To You!”
“**** Off!
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong ****ing house!

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I don’t ****ing know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!

I tried water polo and my horse drowned… that was a nightmare.

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you’re *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! “Oh let’s just go home.” “WE’RE ****ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW ****IN’ BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?”

[sexy voice on sat nav] “Turn left…”
“****ing RIGHT love”
“Straight UP”
“OHHHH”

Have you noticed every time there’s a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q – “this week, hatchets, half price!”

Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don’t get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they’re like “Come on! come on! I’ve got birds waiting!”

People say why do we kill so many cows, well they’re *crap!* They have no survival instincts whatsoever! You stand next to any fence in the country and a cow’ll walk towards you going “Is it my time yet? I don’t mind, just shoot me!” They’re dumb animals, otherwise they’d learn to **** without it hitting the back of their legs! They’d swing it out at least! All dumb animals soil themselves! Sheep! Sheep are the same, but they do it for a reason! They’re like that
[imitating rubbing **** over himself]
“Make a jumper outta me, will ya! I don’t think so!” But cows, ah, they haven’t even got any camoflauge! They’re black and white, and where do they choose to stand? IN A GREEN FIELD! They can’t even run away properly, you chase a cow across a field and they run away like an old drunk!
[staggers around]

“You get these people that are like “Here, I was talking to her on monday – was it tuesday? – was it thurs-?” “WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY ********** SAID!” I hate them **********! They say stuff like “Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday.” I don’t know! How the ******* does tuesday feel?”